Most hard conversations go wrong in the first sentence. We say "you always wait until the last minute," and the other person stops listening.
I learned a better way from my executive coach, Nick. I recorded a conversation with him for Borrowed Playbooks, and when I asked what one thing every team should steal from his playbook, he didn't hesitate. It was nonviolent communication, in a four-part version called OFNR. It's the framework I use most, at work and at home.
What it is
Nonviolent communication (NVC) was developed by Marshall B. Rosenberg. The version Nick teaches is OFNR: observation, feeling, need, request.
Four sentences, in that order.
It works because you describe what happened and what you need, without telling the other person what is wrong with them.
The four steps
1. Observation: what happened?
Stick to the facts, the way a reporter would. If a video camera wouldn't capture it, leave it out. Avoid words like "always," "never," "too much" and "inappropriate."
2. Feeling: how do you feel about it?
Use a real emotion word, like worried, frustrated or anxious. Skip "I feel like..." and "I feel that...", which are opinions in disguise.
3. Need: what do you need?
Name the underlying need, like reliability, trust or confidence in the quality of the work. A need is not a solution.
"I need you to stop" is a demand.
"I need confidence in our work" is a need.
4. Request: what are you asking for?
Ask for something specific that the person can actually do. Say what you want, not what you don't want. And be ready to hear "no."
A request that can't be declined is a demand.
An example
Instead of
"You always wait until the last minute! It's so stressful and unprofessional."
Try
- Observation "I received the report at 4:58 PM yesterday.
- Feeling I felt anxious and overwhelmed.
- Need I need confidence in the quality of the work we submit.
- Request Would you be willing to send your sections by 3 PM so we both have time to review?"
Words to borrow
| Feelings | Needs | |
|---|---|---|
| Easier | content, excited, hopeful, grateful, confident, peaceful, energized, proud | connection, respect, belonging, trust, empathy, choice, rest, ease, joy |
| Harder | frustrated, disappointed, worried, confused, overwhelmed, hurt, angry, anxious | understanding, acceptance, safety, authenticity, purpose, learning, growth, creativity |
Practice it with AI first
The hardest part of a framework is using it when your heart is racing. Nick's tip is to rehearse in private. Role-playing with a coworker feels awkward for most people, so use an AI tool instead. Give it the situation, ask it to play a disgruntled employee, tell it you're practicing OFNR, and turn on voice mode. You can mess up safely, and at the end it can tell you what worked and what felt off.
The more reps you get, the fewer nerves you bring into the real conversation.
Try it this week
Pick one conversation you've been avoiding.
Before you have it, write the four sentences down: observation, feeling, need, request. Then say them out loud once. That's usually enough to change how the conversation starts.
Framing a conversation this way isn't about winning or being right.
It's about creating connection and understanding, so the other person can actually hear you.
Source: Marshall B. Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life.
